5 - Budgeting on food
I used to make a bit of a game out of trying to feed myself for a whole week with only a tenner. The best place to do this is Iceland. Everything in there costs either £1 or £2. This tends to mean that the food is made of sawdust and horse lips, but a WHOLE Christmas platter for a tenner? No one can turn their nose up at that.
My girlfriend and I once lived off Iceland Chinese Prawn Soup for a fortnight. By the end of it our wee was pink.
4 - White Lightning
The Tata Nano of alcohol, White Lightning will get you and your flatmate utterly shitboxed for about a quid. It'll also keep you nice and warm if you get your gas cut off, as any money strapped tramp will tell you.
3 - £50 making you feel like a millionnaire
This is obviously a very rare thing to happen, but when £50 suddenly appears in your bank account you feel like you're the king of humanity. It's a real 'Drinks are on me!' moment, but seeing as you've had no real experiences with proper money you haven't yet realised that £50 isn't really that much of it. So within 12 hours you're a bit pissed but skint again.
2 - Spending 2/3 of my life asleep
Sleep is not for the weak as some people might tell you but is actually brilliant and I miss every second of youthful slumber that I now spend 'earning money' and 'paying bills' and 'eating tagliatelli'.
1 - Jeremy Fucking Kyle
I love and hate Jeremy Kyle. He's what Jesus would look like if Jesus was a plasterer from Dagenham. He's a pompous little cretin who's somehow managed to blag a job where he gets his very own moral high horse from which he can piss on council estates across the land. He has a go at people for their adulterous behaviour somehow without batting an eyelid, despite leaving his wife for a woman half his age who won a competition on his radio show.
A friend of mine used to work with him at a London based radio station and she told me that Jezza was constantly trying to get in her pants the whole time they worked together. He really is a great example.
I love him.
Anyway, I best get back to work or soon I'll be unemployed and living this life again.