Lionel Richie play-by-play

Everyone loves the video to Lionel Richie's 1984 superhit 'Hello'. What is there not to love? It's got a blind girl, 1980s American High School kids before Kurt Kobain ruined them and even lots of brown clay.

Watching this epic 5 and a half minute work of art can envoke a spectrum of emotion in the viewer, not least of all confusion and at times, fear.

I'm now going to attempt to venture waist deep into this forgotten world to see just why we find this video so fascinating.

If you want to follow along, watch it here.

0.25 - You see, he's not playing himself in the video. I think he's supposed to be a drama teacher given the drama class he is teaching. Having said that though given his behaviour in the rest of the video he could be any old pervert who's walked in off the street just to feast eyes on young bodies. This role is also slightly ironic given Richie's appalling performance in 1996 comedy-drama The Preacher's Wife. To be fair, this irony was probably lost on Bob Giraldi (the director of the video), given the movie was made 12 years later.

0.43 - Bad actors playing students who are so bad they will never make it as actors. It's a spiral of gobshite.

0.46 - That is a powerful moustache

0.49 - As is that

0.51 - And that

1.00 - The singing begins. For someone who is teaching this acting class he's paying very little attention to the students as they perform. He's more interested in staring at his own feet mumbling to himself. And yet still no one asks him what he's doing there or calls the police. The 80s, eh?

1.12 - You'd be calling the fucking police by now.

1.16 - Especially now there's some phallic instruments about.

1.22 - There he is, looking like a battered pirate's map. It seems very inconsiderate to run parallel the 'big reveal' that this girl is actually blind with the line 'I sometimes see you pass outside my door'. He should have followed it with 'then laugh when you fall down the hole I dug'.

1.23 - HELLO!

1.31 - A bit creepy there Lionel. You virtually barked that line in the poor bird's face. She doesn't know you're there, you probably scared the shit out of her.

1.41 - Off he goes to find a cupboard he can lock himself in for 5 minutes.

1.44 - Little known fact - there's a young Dara O'Briain in the blue hat

1.53 - Now I'm not being paranoid here, am I? He is clearly stalking a blind girl through the corridors of her school while singing a ballad. His face would be all over the News Of The World if this was set in 2010. And everyone would have knives. And they guy in the hat would have been Dappy.

1.58 - She actually looks a little unnerved there.

2.05 - Know comes the hint at the 'big twist' at the end. At the moment it looks like she's making a model of the moon out of dogshit but it'll all become clear.

2.13 - A young Craig David there just showing his support.

2.19 - He literally looks like he's about to strangle her when he gets interrupted by her mate. There's such a sinister undertone to this video. It's like American History X at times.

2.29 - Disappointed he couldn't drag her off to his van.

2.38 - HELLO! That's the best 'hello' of them all. Full on hardon.

2.53 - Not very good, is she?

2.54 - A young Ed Milliband in the blue vest there.

3.05 - Do you think it's too late to get him arrested for this video?

3.21 - Yes, I think you should go to Florida. And change your name. Don't tell anyone.

3.29 - We can assume this is her home. But can we assume we'll see Lionel wanking through a window? Screaming 'HELLO!'

3.42 - He's supercool, isn't he?

3.49 - Come on mate, say hello.

3.54 - HELLO!

3.59 - Looking like Chris Kamara getting excired over a Stoke goal.

4.03 - He's dropped the phone. Must be rubbing it on his balls.

4.10 - DEFINITELY rubbing it on his balls.

4.12 - Hmm...she seems to like it.

4.14 - OOPS! Nope. Freaked out and hung up. You see this is exactly why it's considered bad form to phone up the girl you fancy, shout 'HELLO!' and then stroke your cock with the mouthpiece. It rarely works.

4.23 - Now I'm worried about what he's up to behind that piano. Did you ever see him play the piano for The Carpenters? No, me neither.

4.35 - SHIT! Someone walked in on a hand-shandy. It better be for something like an exact replica of his head.

4.49 - You could cut the sexual tension with a kinder egg.

5.00 - He's thinking to himself "That'll look great on my fireplace next to your head"

5.15 - HELLO!

And there we have it. A dark tale of a man who loses his mind and stalks an innocent blind girl. He prank calls her and masterbates nonstop until she has no choice but create an exact replica of his head to give to the police. So her kills her.

It was a warning that none of us heeded. And now look at the mess we're in.